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| Ryan I am very sorry that I could not be the person you wanted me to be for so long. I am working on fixing myself and making me a better person. I am very sorry that I hurt you throughout those two years but, I realize you had your flaws as well... Ill always love you with every ounce of my being... Its gonna kill me seeing you do the solo thing... It just seems so easy for you to already be doing it and its only been such a short time... Kinda breaks my heart even more... but, I guess it just shows me my heart was more in it and I won't ever make that mistake again... as for me... Its gonna take alot of time and alot of me figuring out my life before I jump out there and try anything again... I don't know if I will ever love anyone the way I loved you and if that is the case then no man is gonna get my heart... I hope that one day I can look back and remember this all as something that happened in my life that made me a better me and made me stronger but, right now Im feeling pretty weak and not in control of anything... Its definetly been a wake up call for me... I wish you the best during your journey through life... I just hope I can be there for you as a friend because there won't ever be a day in my life where I don't want you around... You were the best boyfriend and best friend I could have ever had and Im sorry that I ruined that all for us...
Ill always love you with all of my heart... Please know that...
good bye buggy bear.... my heart will forever be yours...
AmBs
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| I
have had a very rough last year or so... Between life, money, health
and so on... It has been a rough time for me and Ryan... We are finally
starting to get over it... and things are starting to go very well for
us... We still have a little to get on top of but, things are going
wonderfully...
Things in health haven't been that great
for me... As most know I had a partial hysterectomy in the beginning of
March of last year and spent close to a month in the hospital then...
Then I had to have a full hysterectomy in August of last year... That
all put me into a huge depression about the whole situation... A real
funk that I couldn't really get out of... I started to gain more weight
drink more liquor and all kinds of things that I shouldn't have done...
I started to push Ryan away and make him feel as though I didn't love
him, because I didn't show it like I used too.. I did alot of things...
I fought with him over nothing... I was yelling all the time... I was a
just plain a bitch... It was very uncalled for and very stupid of me to
do that to him... All because I didn't know how to open up and just
tell him that I was depressed... I was too proud to get on any anti
depressants or anything that I should have done to help myself get over
the hump that I so desperately needed to get over... Well the beginning
of December hits and I get this hellacious rash all over my hands... by
January it was on my feet and starting on my body... Well again I had
major health issues to overcome... Another thing that I just didn't
want to deal with... I started pushing even farther and doing even more
that I shouldnt be doing, even when I knew he was just trying to
support me and be there for me and help me out... Well I have finally
gotten the diagnosis a month ago... So I thought... The treatments
weren't working and I didn't know what to do... I go back to the doctor
and they tell me it was a misdiagnosis... that is a form of psoriasis
but, not what they said it was... So that is why the treatment wasn't
working... (pause... Not to mention around the same time they treated
me for this or so to say tried to treat it... I got a kidney stone the
size of a quarter that I had to pass that was HORRIBLY painful) anyways
on with my story... So now I am doing other things to get this to go
away... It has just been stressful because the more things that happen
I feel like Im never gonna be healthy and Im never gonna be able to get
on top of anything... The more I push Ryan away when these things start
going through my head... When I should have really been pulling him
closer to me I was pushing him further and further away... After months
and months of doing this to him I have finally, FINALLY realized all I
am doing is pushing him away... Making him feel unloved... Doing all of
this why? Because my health sucks? because I am too insecure to talk to
the one person that I can always tell anything too? Why was I doing all
of this... Probably all of the above... But, damn it... I AM DONE!!! I
am done doing this to the person I love more than anything in the
world... (other than D) The one person that has stuck by me and tried
to make life better for the both of us... and has been there doing
nothing but, taking care of my ass for so long... I have been so
stupid... he could have just picked up and left forever and I would
have just lost him because I am so dumb... I don't know what I was
thinking... I am done with that Amber though... I am done doing things
the way I was... I am embrassing my relationship... Supporting his
every move... Keeping myself busy... Working my ass off to support us
as well... Fixing all the wrongs I've done... and god damn it... I am
going to be myself... I am tired of being depressed and feeling so
low... I am tired of being overweight... I am tired of this person that
I am... I am going to be the happy Amber... The cheerful, no one and
nothing can get me down Amber... The dieting for the rest of her life
just so she can live a little longer and be healthy and not say god I
wanna look like her... I wanna be the girl that other girls look at and
say damn I wanna look like that girl... That is what I am going to
do... I am going to live my life... I am going to take control... I am
going to do all the things I have wanted to do... And you know what? I
am not going to just let Ryan be the only one that stands there for the
other... I am going to stand next to him and we are going to do
everything we can to make this happen... I am so tired of the person I
had become... It makes me sick to my stomache to think of that
person... I am done with it...
So look to see the new and
improved Amber... Look to see the one person that you guys have been
missing for what seems to be like a year now... Look for the girl that
isn't just going to sit there and be quite and be not like me... I am
going to be the old Life of the Party Amber... And nothing, (not my
health, not my depression, NOTHING and NO ONE is going to stop me from
being the person I really AM!!!) There are a few of you that know the
real me... and there are a few of you that have a whirlwind of hell
coming your way!!! LoL... There aren't very many of my friends now that
know the real me... I think alot of you have just gotten to know the
Amber that I was and not the Amber that my true long term friends know
I am...
So to start my new me... I want to say I am sorry to
everyone... I am sorry for being some stranger that know one knows... I
am sorry for everything...
and to say to Ryan I love you more
than anything... I want to spend the rest of my life with you... I have
wronged you in many ways over the last year... and I plan on making it
up to you for the rest of our lives... I am here baby.... There is no
returning to the dark evil place!! I will be here as myself for a
lifetime of hell and picking on you... and wrestling with you... and
making you laugh at my dumbass more than ever... I love you baby... I
am sorry to have done all of this to you... I can't even begin to say
how sorry I am... IM BACK BABY!!! Get used to the Giggly, Happy, Sappy,
Miss you all the time even if your gone 5 minutes, Tickle you to make
you laugh even if you dont' want too, support your every move, ditzy
little girl you fell in love with...
I love you baby!!
I love all of you that are my friends, my true honest to god friends.... There aren't too many of you.. but, I love you!!!
AmBs
P.S. Joel I am very happy that you are back... I am very happy that you have your head on your shoulders about everything that you are doing... I know we had our differences but, I think we can put that behind us... We were really close at one point in time and damn it I have missed you!! If you need anyone to talk to or bitch at you can call me anytime or message me anytime you want too...
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| I sware I hate fighting all these health issues... I wish my life could be a little better emotionally right now as well. Ryan and Dallas deserve a little better... Ok ALOT better... Its just hard sometimes... I've got a fire lit under my ass right now so I hope it will help the situation. Just need some help thats all... So many things to say so little time... So much on my mind but, I don't know how to say it all... GAAAAHHHH why does it seem like talking used to be so much easier!!!! Sometimes I wish it were like that all over again... But, things that have happened kind of don't promote it... Other people need to realize that things are the same and then some inside of me I just can't be the only one that sees it... I dont know Ill write more later... Its just hard to get some of it out...
Love ya all.. Or whoever reads this damn thing any more...
AmBs
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| Its been a rough few months. I now think we are getting through alot of it. I think that life is finally getting back to what it used to be. I still have a few things I need to work on for myself and for Ryan. I am at my witts end with my weight and ready to finally do something about it. I can't stand how big I am. I know people tell me I look great and so on but, where? I don't see it. Anyways, me and Ry talked about a few things today and I need to cover my bases with all of that but, other than that I haven't been this happy in a very long time. My life seems to be my life again. I love it. We got a new vehicle that is awesome. We are planning on moving out of belton soon which is great. I am trying to just get things on track again. Needing to get my life straightened out a little bit more and I will be great. I don't know why I am writing on here but, I am. I just can't believe how well things are going lately I love him so much. I can't get over that in 2 years all I have done is fall more and more in love with him every day of my life. hehehe... Anyways, Im out!!! I know I was a little all over the place. But, I know what I was saying. hahahah...
AmBs
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| Hey everyone,
its been a really long time since I have wrote on here. I am doing good. Things have been a little rough through the last few weeks and my health has been pretty shitty for quite sometime now but, things are looking up and my health will be alright after treatments start and with Ryan behind me and beside me I can get through it all. I am just happy to have him next to me and things going better between us. I am happy to have my life seeming to start getting back to normal. I don't feel like Im so helpless anymore. I like this. I just hope things continue in the direction that they are going in. Anyways, I hope everyone else is doing great and I hope that everyones lives are doing wonderful. I will be posting on here much more frequently now. I think it will help to keep me happy and I can let things out.
AmBs
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